hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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