I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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