where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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