I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize