conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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