Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
