dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
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