to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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