does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
