Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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