im gay
i know
yea but for you.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
