What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
