i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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