So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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