I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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