if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
