Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Dick very happy bro
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
