really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
