My friends, they love my intelligence
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
