He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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