I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
