I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
