Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
