Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
