i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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