i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Mom said you looked used
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
