I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
