Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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