I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
