You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
