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• (352): View more from Florida

  Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.

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• (908): View more from New Jersey

  I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts

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• (602): View more from Arizona

  Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day

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• (714): View more from California

  Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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• (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass

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• (205): View more from Alabama

  I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.

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• (214): View more from Texas

  It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.

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• (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.

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• (408): View more from California

  do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??

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• (714): View more from California

  You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.

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• (325): View more from Texas

  I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement

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• (320): View more from Minnesota

  I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga

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• (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  That ass isn’t going to eat itself.

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• (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church

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