Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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