if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
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