FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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