You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
