Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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