My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
