I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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