Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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