So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
