He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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