two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My feet surprised me
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
