I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
