i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
