I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize