just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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