Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
