eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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