How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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