trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
