Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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