Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
