I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
