Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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