hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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