I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
