Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize