and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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